Friends, I’m simultaneously amazed and embarrassed to admit that, well, um, my Fitbit logged active minutes after I spent a good five minutes putting (wrestling) on a pair of Spanx. Please tell me I’m not the only one who struggles to put on a pair of Spanx, that at first, appear to be five sizes too small. I mean, if they just slid on like your favorite pair of period-Netflix-I-give-up sweats, they wouldn’t exactly be doing their job, right? Surely, I’m not the only one who needs to use their inhaler before Spanx o’clock? Surely.
Following are some observations/issues I have with every woman’s favorite unmentionable (because no one but me likes to admit they use an undergarment that looks like it came from the movie set of Invasion of the Body Snatchers to suck their fat in).
1. First and foremost, what in the hell is up with the hole in the crotch? Yes, it takes longer to remove and then put back on a pair of blasted Spanx than it takes to stand in the bathroom line, finally get a stall, do your business, wash your hands, and freshen up your makeup, but please do not tell me this is a pee hole. Do.not. What woman, unless drunk out of her mind, wouldn’t just take the Spanx off before peeing? Unless you’ve been practicing, and you have excellent aim, I foresee a pair of $60 Spanx in the bathroom trashcan. Seriously though, if there are women who pee through this hole, I wanna meet them. They know something the rest of us don’t.
2. How has Spanx not figured out how to prevent the rubber band-around-your-thigh look? I paid a pretty penny for my Spanx, and while they do an alright job at holding back most of the fat that wants to roll forth, my thighs end up looking like mini muffin tops. This makes it painfully obvious I’ve sucked my body into Spanx. I thought the “nude, barely-there-color” meant no one is supposed to know you’re wearing the dang things?
3. Unless you have the full body-I-mean-business-Spanx, it’s likely you have experienced that terrifying moment your Spanx has jumped ship and they start to roll, at first slowly, and then like a tidal wave, down and over your belly. Nothing says embarrassing quite like your stomach plopping down on top of the dinner table with such force the utensils clang and the water glasses spill onto the expensive table cloth.
It could be surmised that Spanx is merely meant to smooth and control minor body imperfections and not meant as an to attempt to make your size 18 body look like Kate Moss circa 1998. Well, shucks.
Regardless of the pros and cons of Spanx, I think we can all agree that putting on a pair is like trying to squeeze a market hog into a wet suit. Amiright?