So, it’s officially summer in the Northern Hemisphere (OK, it’s not officially summer until June 20th, but to me it’s summer at first under-boob sweat). For most, this means excitement as they realize it’s time for shorter hems, shirts that show off the top half of the arms, and a golden sheen of perspiration that looks like freaking glitter. For me, it means panic (how did February turn into June before I could get my fitness on?), then despair (Why do I even spend all that time on Pinterest pinning those fitness videos and challenges? They never work…), and finally denial (might as well eat the entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s, because I can’t lose 40 pounds before the lake tomorrow. YOLO).
Because sudden summer sucks when you didn’t get a chance to get that summer body you have been working on since you gained your Freshman 50 (oh, was that supposed to only be 15? My bad) 15 years ago, I have some tips to keep it cool during the most exposed part of the year.
Have no fear! Fatty McCupcakes is here!
1. You might as well continue wearing the Spanx, layering tanks, and arm slimmer wraps you got on Groupon. You’re going to have swamp ass in 90-degree heat whether you’re wearing a flowy dress with no panties or a MuuMuu. Might as well go full-on fat coverage.
2. Speaking of not wearing panties under a dress just to keep the Lady cool. Um, don’t do that. Who does that? Four words: Swamp Ass Sweat A-Rolling.
3. If you’re a lady of ample thigh size, shorty-shorts are not your friends. That is, unless you want a raw, angry thigh-rubbage rash, and you like sticking to every surface you sit on. When you’re especially sweaty, and your fat creates a suction, it sounds like the end of days when you attempt to get up. Not sexy.
4. Hold out as long as you can on donning summer wear. Just because it’s over 80 degrees does NOT mean you can’t wear a cardigan, a huge scarf, and knee high boots. Maybe you’re just always cold. Yes, chunky people get cold too, asshole!
5. When it’s 102 degrees out, and you feel like you might faint if you wear a cardigan again, go ahead and rock that tank. All you have to do is not raise your arms whatsoever. If you absolutely must wave, point, or reach for something, do so elbow and up only. ELBOW AND UP.
6. Don’t give a crap that your body isn’t summer-ready. Enjoy the long days, warm nights, and endless s’mores.
So, here’s to yet, ANOTHER summer of strategically covering lumps and bumps while trying to look easy, breezy, summer squeezy!